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  • Adri Sandoval

16 Essential Items for People Whose Kitchen is a Farm and Bathroom is a Beach

Okay. Now that you're here, this is an intervention.


I'm kidding. But it's pretty interesting, this phenomenon where so many people have decided that these are the rules of home decor. Your kitchen becomes a farm, and your bathroom becomes a beach. And I think I get it - the kitchen has foods that are often sourced from farms, like eggs and milk and cheese and veggies. So sure, it's a farm now. And the bathroom? There's a bunch of water in there, I guess. BAM! Beach.


It seems to be people of a certain age, too. I think my mom's kitchen started filling up with roosters around the time she turned 45, but I remember there being little decorative seashell soaps in our bathroom when she must've been in her early thirties because I was still young enough to think they looked delicious. (Fun fact: they were not.) It may be that the transition took some time, or perhaps she just fought it really hard. I'm convinced it will happen to all of us as we age. Our hair will begin to grey, we'll begin to wrinkle, and one day we'll be in the bathroom and be forced to wipe our hands dry on our pants because we realize we're in the beach bathroom with the towels that are JUST for show. How did they get there? Did we buy them? Or do they just show up the first time you decide you want to watch a JAG rerun on TV?


The questions are many and the answers are few. It's best to just accept that at some point, we'll all be living in the space between the farm and the beach, both of which have towels we forbid people to use. If you or someone you love is currently experiencing a farm kitchen and beach bathroom, you can show acceptance and love this time by gifting items like these to support their decor decisions.


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For the Farm Kitchen





This may not appear to be a functional milk can. You should not put this under a cow to milk them. You should not store milk in it. You may be confused as to its purpose, but your farm-kitchen-friend will know. They will immediately look at this and know that it was meant to house fake flowers - likely sunflowers. The milk can is actually a vase in disguise, as any kitchen farm person knows.






This set of towels appears to have six handy kitchen towels, but actually, it is none. These are pieces of decor that no person should touch. The "towels" go over the handle of the oven, where they can welcome people to the kitchen farm. This particular design makes me a little uncomfortable because it reminds me of Animal Farm, and these animals appear to be working together to throw humans out of the kitchen farm. All kitchen farms are equal, but some are more equal than others.




I actually really like these. Friends of mine who have chickens keep fresh eggs in them, and if you have chickens you know the variety of colors your chickens can produce. For your urban kitchen farm, however, you can fill this with eggs from your local farmers market, or even fake decorative eggs so it looks like you might be hiding chickens from your HOA. These fake eggs are made of wood and you can get 9 at about the same price as a real dozen.




Roosters rule in the farm kitchens of today. Decor is dominated by strutting roosters, and no farm kitchen is complete without a metal paper towel holder with a big ol' rooster on it. Most regular farms may keep only a few roosters, but the rules are different for a kitchen farm. Fill it top to bottom with roosters if you want.




You could probably fill this cookie jar with chicken and make it an actual chicken jar, but that seems unhygienic and a great way to get food poisoning. Best to stick with cookies in the chicken-shaped cookie jar.




I SAID FILL IT WITH ROOSTERS




Herbert Hoover promised us a chicken in every pot. If that's prosperity, a rooster on every plate must really be something. This set will never appear on a table, though - my mom will shove it into a cabinet and tell me it's for when guests come because they will be the new "nice" plates. If that guest is anyone who isn't the pope, those plates will never see the light of day ever again.




This won't fit the more austere kitchen farm decor, but it is chicken-shaped and I love Genuine Fred. These measuring cups will nest chick inside of egg inside of chicken and store away neatly so they don't clash with the more realistic-looking farm animals in the kitchen.



For the Beach Bathroom



WOW I'm sick of talking about roosters and OMG now it's going to be seashells. So many seashells.


Where the farm kitchen is lousy with roosters, the beach bathroom is all seashells, baby. If you don't know how to use the three shells by the toilet, please refer to this handy infographic.




The traditional place for the seashell potpourri is on top of the toilet tank. If you want to try something different, you could go for the space by the sink instead, if you dare.




They're just begging to be eaten by dumb children, as colorful and individually wrapped as they are. These are all wrapped in plastic because they will never be used. They will live forever on the sandless shores of your bathroom beach, collecting dust that can be easily removed thanks to the plastic. Not edible.




This set of plush towels is embroidered and embellished with impractical beads so it really drives home the fact that these are not meant to be used, ever. If my mom had these and I lost a hand and these were the only towels nearby to stop the bleeding, she would just tell me to hold my arm over the sink and wait for the cold embrace of death, because these are the nice towels.




This is a kind of nice piece that you could probably make yourself with some wood, shells, and string. Or you can just order this one from Amazon because it's just going to hang out in a room full of farts anyway.




Usually, candles would collect dust and have to never be used to remain pristine as decor. Real candles are also hard to dust because the wax, even solid, is a little sticky. These flameless candles are also waxless so they're easy to clean and can be used over and over again without melting or becoming ugly.




I wanted to recommend shower curtain hooks that look like Captain Hook's hook, but writing this with my mom in mind, I know she'd prefer this cuter version that looks like sea animals and shells. When in doubt, go with shells.




We had one of these in the bathroom growing up. It's not functional either unless you count holding it up to your ear and pretending you hear the ocean a function.




Toothbrush holder, soap dispenser, tissue house. These are three things every grownup bathroom should have. Once you're old enough, those things should be beach-themed. This set is nice but has to be purchased individually. Having one beachy one counts, though, I think.




Note to those of you who may be upset at this post: Mom, chill.


Kidding - she doesn't read anything I write. I like to have fun with my readers. This post may seem like it's making fun OF you if you decorate this way, but really, we all know and love someone who has a kitchen farm and bathroom beach. I wanted to point out that so many people from different backgrounds have these things in their homes and as different as we all may be, I think it's amazing that we can still be so similar in little ways like this.

- Adri

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